I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
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