Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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