dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
