Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
oh god was she eating orange peels again
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
