Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
