He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
