If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Randomize
