I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
