he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
