You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
