You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
