it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
