I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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