She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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