A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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