Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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