Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
