Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
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