when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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