Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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