Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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