My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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