i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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