Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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