i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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