why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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