you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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