At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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