My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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