Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
