Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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