Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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