2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
