That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
