Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
