she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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