you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
