This is not my ceiling
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
