I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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