Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
