If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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