Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
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It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
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Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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