Your dad touched me again.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
