I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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