i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
