she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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