I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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