Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
