Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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