I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
