Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
