Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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