the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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