Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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