I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
