Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
