If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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