what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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