I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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