is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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