You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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