The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
