Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
