Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
